Life Lessons on My 72nd Birthday I was surprised by what emerged!

On my birthday eve, I set an intention. I would use this birthday—this year—to reflect on and share some of the wisdom I’ve accumulated over the past seven decades. That wisdom would be the fodder for this week’s musing.

But I awoke with an “oh shit” moment!

I had gone to bed feeling smug about the brilliance of this idea—and confident that the insights I would share would be pithy, powerful, and profound.

Often, when I pose a question I want to explore and then literally sleep on it, inspiration arrives with the dawn. Yet, when I awoke on my birthday, nothing had arisen. There were no flashes of insight. No wise, pithy pearls of wisdom.

If an outpouring of wisdom was my birthday wish, it was not granted.

I was disappointed—but determined. I still needed a topic to write about. Still musing over this conundrum, I prepared my morning cup of tea and read the small fortune printed on the Yogi tea bag. It simply said:

The essence of life is to communicate love.

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Given that I had no other pearls of wisdom for this birthday reflection, I decided to explore what I’ve learned about love.

A big topic. Yet, as I dug in, I realized that over the past year I had done a deep dive into three books on this very subject:

• All About Love by bell hooks

• Untie the Strong Women by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

• Power Vs. Force by David Hawkins

Each book approached love from a different angle, yet each broadened and deepened my understanding—and my practice—of love.

And so, here are some of my life lessons on love.

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Love Is Not What Our Culture Portrays or Idolizes

It strikes me that we have a very distorted view of love.

We say we “fall” in love, as if we have no agency. We conflate love with sexual attraction—which is powerful, but not the same thing. We sort people into those who are lovable and those who are not, often based on appearance, behavior, or social norms.

I’ve been blessed to know romantic love—but that is only one of a thousand ways I’ve experienced love.

• Love from my parents and caregivers.

• Loving my children and grandchildren.

• The love of friendship.

• The love I feel in certain communities.

• The love I experience in nature.

• The love of strangers I’ve encountered along the way.

• And my ongoing journey to love myself—fully and unconditionally.

Love is an active force of connection that recognizes, honors, and nurtures life—within ourselves, between others, and beyond us—expressed through presence, care, truth, and the willingness to grow.

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Our Cultural Myths Get in the Way of Love

There is confusion around behaviors that are often mistaken for love—but are not. Instead, they are expressions of control, pride, patriarchy, or fear:

• Controlling love (“I know best”)

• Cruelty (“This is for your own good”)

• Possessiveness (“I own you”)

• Conditional love (“I’ll love you if…”)

• Self-sacrificing love (“I am only worthy if I disappear”)

Other myths include:

• Love is something that happens to us

• There is only one great love in your life

• There is someone out there for everyone

• You must “deserve” love

• Love guarantees a fairytale ending

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Redefining Love

In Power vs. Force, Hawkins defines love this way:

What the world generally refers to as love is an intense emotionality combining physical attraction, possessiveness, control, addiction, eroticism, and novelty. It is usually evanescent and fluctuating, waxing and waning with varying conditions. When frustrated, this emotion often reveals an underlying anger and dependency that it had masked. That love can turn to hate, but it is not love that turns to hate, but pride.

Love is unconditional. It is a state of being. It is a way of relating to the world that is forgiving, nurturing, and supportive. Love is not intellectual and does not proceed from the mind. Love emanates from the heart. It has the capacity to lift others and accomplish great things because of its purity of motive.

Love is inclusive and expands the sense of self progressively. Love focuses on the goodness of life in all its expressions and augments that which is positive. It dissolves negativity by recontextualizing it rather than by attacking it.

Love is the level of true happiness, although only 4% of the world’s population ever reaches this level of the evolution of consciousness.

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There Are Infinite Ways to Express Love—Every Day

From childhood through early adulthood, I deeply yearned for my parents to say “I love you” out loud.

But, coming from a strong German heritage where outward emotion was rarely expressed, those words never came.

This need followed me into college, where I finally dared to say the seemingly forbidden words: “I love you,” as I hugged my parents goodbye one weekend.

There was an awkward silence. But nothing terrible happened.

So I kept saying it.

Over time—like water dripping on rock—something shifted. The silences softened. A hesitant “me too” appeared. Then “back at you.” And eventually, the words flowed more freely from both sides.

Looking back, I now see that my parents showed me love every day—in ways that mattered far more than words.

• I was safe.

• I was cared for.

• My education was supported.

• There was stability in our home.

But I failed to recognize those actions as love.

Which is main theme in bell Hook’s work on love. She reminds us that love is a verb. It is expressed by actions, not affirmations. Hooks encourages us to change how we talk about love .Instead of saying “I am in love,”  one might say:

• I am loving

• I will love

• I show my love

Embracing a love ethic means that we utilize all the dimensions of love – care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge – in our everyday lives.  By bell Hooks

Love comes in many forms. I see constant reminders of the love that caregivers provide for those in their charge. The parent who gets up one more time, in the middle of the night, to tend to a child. The childcare provider who greets each child with a hearty hello and a hug. The teacher who finds creative ways to reach each child, no matter their divergent learning styles. The spouse who sees that the mundane, day-to-day tasks of managing a household are done. The adult child who takes on the role of parenting their parents as they decline.

Everyday actions. Each is an affirmation of love.

And those affirmations can be extended well beyond your normal circle of friends, family, colleagues, and community members. At times, the most vivid experiences of love I’ve experienced have been from total strangers.

On the night of April 18, 2011, our home and property were damaged by a tornado. It struck suddenly, immediately knocking out power, plunging us into darkness, and blocking any way out. Knowing there was little we could do in the dark, we waited for morning light.

When we cautiously opened the door to the garage, we found both of our cars crushed under the weight of splintered wood and twisted metal. Looking out the back doors, we saw that our barn was still standing—but its roof was gone. The 100-year-old oak trees that had surrounded our home were toppled, despite their size and deep roots.

At the crack of dawn, something else happened.

People began to arrive.

Some we knew. Others were complete strangers.

Some brought food. Others brought chainsaws.

All brought something we needed.

These were acts of service. Acts of love.

Not just on the first day, or even in the first week. While the number of helpers naturally dwindled as the major work was completed, months later, caring strangers would still knock on our door and ask what they could do to help.

In the midst of devastation, what remained most visible was this: love shows up

Loving Yourself Frees You to Love Others

Love comes more easily when we separate it from what society deems “lovable.”

We live in a culture that worships youth and promotes a narrow definition of beauty. We are fed the lie that we must look or act a certain way to be worthy of love.

I am officially calling bullshit on that notion.

Try my “airport test.” Look at the next 100 people you see. How many meet our culture’s ideal of beauty?

Very few.

And yet—are they not all worthy of love?

In the United States alone, we spend over $200 billion a year trying to fix our bodies—not because they are broken, but because we’ve been taught they are.

When we release these beliefs, we begin the process of truly loving ourselves.

And the more we love ourselves, the more love we can extend to others.

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Perhaps My Birthday Wisdom Is This: Love Is Powerful

Only love can heal the wounds of the past. Yet our wounds often cause us to close our hearts—making it difficult to give or receive love. (bell hooks)

Love will not rescue you like a fairy tale. But it will transform you.

True love is kind.

It is generative.

It flows freely.

It embraces growth.

It accepts what is.

Perhaps that small message on my tea bag was exactly the wisdom I needed on my 72nd birthday.

The essence of life is to communicate love.

This may not be all that I’ve learned in my seven-decade journey, but I have learned we can engage in the act of loving a whole lot more! And there is great power in that.

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